Avoidant: How to Love (Or Leave) a Dismissive Partner by Jeb Kinnison

Author:Jeb Kinnison [Kinnison, Jeb]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Non-Fiction, Psychology, Relationships, Self-Help
ISBN: 9780991663668
Google: Gb-8oQEACAAJ
Amazon: B00O4QLPHI
Publisher: Jeb Kinnison
Published: 2014-10-01T23:00:00+00:00

Chapter 22

Sex and the Avoidant

Dismissive-Avoidants (like everyone else) like sex, and since they are generally not as interested in long-term attachment, they pursue relationships for the sex more than most people, and assume new relationships won’t last as long. Fearful-Avoidants are definitely interested in the idea of a long-term attachment, but also know from past experience that most of their relationships don’t last, so they too make sexual attraction a prime motivation for seeking out companionship.

Avoidant people’s discomfort with closeness and negative models of others may interfere with psychological intimacy and interpersonal sensitivity in sexual situations. In addition, avoidant people may be willing to engage in sex without any consideration of establishing a long-term relationship , or even with the conviction that they do not want to be burdened by a long-term relationship. In other words, avoidance may be associated with measurable erotophobia (i.e., fearing or backing away from sex), sexual abstinence, or preference for impersonal, uncommitted sex. 71

Some Avoidants, like everyone, have absorbed the Fairy Tale model of romance, and they often have a hazy idea that someday they will meet their “soulmate” and find true relationship happiness; in the meantime they are just getting their needs met. But more commonly they think of romantic ideals as traps for the unwary and purely fictional :

Avoidant people’s preference for interpersonal distance and emotional detachment favors viewing sex and love as quite distinct; indeed, in the first studies of avoidance within the adult close-relationship domain, Hazan and Shaver (1987) found that avoidant people tended to view romantic love as a Hollywood fiction that does not exist in real life. 72

Dismissive males often appear to be “alpha” males, since they are less concerned about how others feel, which can look like confidence and authority to someone who doesn’t know them well. Many Anxious-Preoccupied women encounter these pseudo-Alphas and are smitten—they see a confident, dominant man who doesn’t care too much about being responsive, and that excites their sexual and attachment system. Going after one of these men, they may have the misfortune of catching one, only to discover after a year or two together that he is not loyal and will not “protect” them, in fact may start in with passive-aggressive or even violent abuse when he feels too pushed for responsiveness he cannot give. We saw an example of this in the last chapter about Ray and Janay Rice.

[B]ecause avoidant strategies are associated with extreme self-reliance, personal control, and defensive self-image inflation… avoidant people may use sex to maximize control over a partner, to gain social prestige, or to enhance self-esteem, all without much regard for a partner’s feelings. In fact, avoidant people’s sexual behavior may be focused selfishly on their own needs in combination with dismissal of or blindness to a partner’s sexual wishes. Avoidance also, paradoxically, may promote sexual promiscuity powered by insecurity, narcissism, or a wish to elevate one’s self-image or standing in the estimation of one’s peers. This kind of self-promotion through sexual conquest can occur in the absence of intense sexual interest and without much enjoyment of sex per se.

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